The Secret Diary of an Overly Emotional Eleven Year Old

Remember the 90s? I do. For me, the 90s were a haze of yo-yo battles, Vicar of Dibley marathons and those Spice Girls collectable photos. But when I wasn’t being an undeniably awesome kid, I was documenting my every day life. Whether any of the below is true or not, I can’t remember, except for the Great Valentine’s Day Haul of 2000. That definitely happened.

Please note that when I was a child I had an enormous head and tiny body. To some extent this is still the case.

 The author on his 23rd birthday.

The author on his 23rd birthday.

My diary ran sporadically from the end of 1999 to June 2000, and I believe may be a document of important historical significance, given its reference to Harry Potter, and approximately 200 blatant lies about girls.

I found it recently in a box of old yo-yos and Spice Girl memorabilia, and have written it down for you to now read.

Here we go.

31st December 1999

Sat at home doing nothing.

Sunday 2nd January 2000

Took camera to school and took photos of Lucy. She got annoyed so I stopped.

Saturday 8th January 2000

Roller disco, 3-4pm. Met a girl called Rachel. Really gorgous!

 Totes gorg.

Totes gorg.

Monday 31st January 2000

Esme’s party was GREAT. (Party of a lifetime!)

Monday 14th February 2000

3 cards, 3 toffees, soap, frosties, bear and hugs, also polo gummies and a big box of frute pastilles.

 Mmmm, frutey.

Mmmm, frutey.

Tuesday 7th March 2000

Pancake Day. Ill.

Friday 17th March 2000

I love Susie!

Sunday 19th March 2000

Susie is now my girlfriend! We kissed for 1 minute 2 seconds in the woods. (We timed it.)

Tuesday 21st March 2000

Gas explosion outside Susie’s house! My darling love bucket! New word: procrastinate.

P.S. I hope she wasn’t hurt! (Help!)

Wednesday 22nd March 2000

Was asked out by the most wonderful girl, but decided to stay loyal to Susie – she is my darling! New word: Alkall. Girl called: Alicia.

Thursday 23rd March 2000

No one hurt in gas explosion. I love Susie! New word: Vegan.

Friday 24th March 2000

Thought about life but had to stop because I got depressed. I will always love Susie! New word: lauryl.

Saturday 25th March 2000

Went to Burger King, I had large chips. I still love Susie. New word: I’ve given up, I know most words.

Monday 27th March 2000

I sent a letter to Richard Curtis, who writes The Vicar of Dibley – I hope he replies! I fancy Alice.

Tuesday 28th March 2000

Told Jack about Susie. He looked right jealous! But who wouldn’t be?

Wednesday 29th March 2000

Soon I will borrow a Vicar of Dibley DVD from the library. I have finished a 20 page file with stuff about The Vicar of Dibley off the internet.

Sunday 2nd April 2000

Susie’s ditched me, so now I’m going for Lucy. She drew loads of pictures in my art book. I love Lucy!

Thursday 18th May 2000

Jamie once fancies Hannah (hard not to) but she ignored him. He don’t love her any longer but she’s always flirting with us. Jamie and me don’t know why she didn’t flirt when he fancied her.

I sort of like Hannah.

Wednesday 21st June 2000

The Pagans looked so silly leaping around Stonehenge! But I must respect their tradition.

Saturday 8th July 2000

Harry Potter book out, YAY!

 (This isn’t the Harry Potter book, it’s my diary)

(This isn’t the Harry Potter book, it’s my diary)

 And that’s it. Not quite Pepys, but valuable nonetheless. Did I ever get back together with Susie? Did Hannah ever flirt with Jamie while he fancied her? I guess we’ll never know.